Robinson Crusoe : The Aftermath
First Part
The coolness of the dawn woke me up that summer morning when we were approaching York. That night, I decided to sleep on the deck of the boat so that, as soon as, I opened my eyes I could get that same vision I had kept for 35 years. While the three mast ship entered the bay I thought of what the future could have for me here. My emotions were mixed after so much time away. I was happy to return to my country but at the same time, I had a mixture of other emotions inside me. I was grateful because god gave me the opportunity to survive after all, but I also felt fear; fear for the unknown. I knew already I would not have the opportunity to look at my parent’s eyes and ask them for forgiveness for leaving without telling them anything, as if I was escaping from some sort of curse.
If back then, I had only known what fate had in store for me? Damn!
If I only had listened to my father’s warning of the dangers of the sea, but we all know that young people do not listen to advice of older people, until it is too late to revert the situation and they have to taste the bitterness of failure.
In the distance, I can see Friday standing on the prow of the ship, facing the wind that blows his long dark hair. He is smiling.His perfect smile contrasts beautifully with his dark cinnamon skin. He radiates joy and he still seems to be amazed by civilization, in spite of already having discovered several other ports before York. I fear for him.During the trip and after I started to have more contact with the rest of the world I noticed that my perception of him was different from the rest of the people.
How could I transmit to the rest of the world, all the devotion and loyalty that he gave me during all these years?
How I could I make them see that he taught me the secrets of nature and that in his environment he is as wise as the wisest philosopher of the ancient Greece. He has been my only companion for the last 11 years and I have developed strong feelings for him. He is my best friend and sometimes he feels to me like he is my son.He is probably the only person I have left in this world but others see him as a savage, an inferior being, using a colonial-ethnocentric argument that is just a bad attempt to hide the ignorance and fear to the unknown with the pretext of superiority. A clear reflection of their own insecurity.
How good it would be if every human being experienced life away from their own comfort zone, a completely different environment, that will teach them about other people from other latitudes but most importantly it will reflect those impressions onto themselves. Just like the mirror we face every morning.
The port was full of people waiting for our arrival. After the civil war between the parliament and the king in 1642-1646 people became interested in news and my story had arrived in England before Friday and I arrived. The only news I had from England was that my parents were not alive anymore and that my father left me all his wealth but since no one had heard from me for more than 30 years they assumed I was dead and The Crown took it all.
When we descended to the gangplank the people looked at me and Friday with curious eyes. Among them there were lots of journalists and our story seemed to be a big story. Until then, this sort of welcome was just a curious anecdote.
-How did you manage to survive on the island for so long Crusoe?
-Is this savage one of the island’s inhabitants? They asked.
I answered to the questions politely until one of them asked…
-How does it feel to eat human flesh ? That question was like an arrow that pierced my chest.
-Who told you that I have eaten human flesh? I asked.
The crew saw skulls and bones on the beach the day they rescued you and everybody knows that in that part of the world eating human flesh is a common practice.
-Did this savage introduce you into cannibalism Crusoe?
-Don’t you feel any guilt after performing such a practice? You, sinners !
- You children of evil! Repent of your sins or we, in the name of the divine god, will make sure that your sinful souls will be punished !
Friday looked at me without understanding what was happening .I could read the fear and the anguish in his eyes. The only time I saw the same expression in his eyes was during our first encounter right before he kneeled down at my feet and set my foot over his head as a symbolic way of swearing to be my servant forever. After that and during all the years we live together in the island, I never saw him fearing anything. It was a nightmare of an arrival and definitely not a good start.
To be continued.
Could you please Ashley L, Ashlee and Yashodara give me your opinion to this first part of my writing ? Thank you.
17 comments:
Hi Guys,
After much struggle with technology I managed to post my first part of the fanfiction.
Could anyone show me the steps to post a picture from Google image and how to post it in the page ?:)
Hi everyone,
Indeed, it's a lovely piece of writing, Rebelde. It's very profound; and I like it. Well done!
Allow me to mention that the English grammar and the punctuation require a little bit of work. I have understood everything you've written; but the reading was not always straight forwards.
As I've mentioned before about another pupil's writing, we all need to focus on English grammar and punctuation (if we want to succeed as writers and/or make ourselves understood clearly)regardless of the genre we choose to write about. I mean, it's HOW we write and not WHAT we write about; that is my point at the moment.
I realise it's hard for you, Rebelde; the same way it's difficult for me because English is our L2. However, we just have to keep working on it; and our writing skills will improve.
There are a couple of books that I read during the holidays, and they helped me a lot. And I shall read them again, as this is the only way to learn.
How to Punctuate by Richard Palmer.
The Good Grammar by Richard Palmer.
These books explain clearly how the English grammar and the English punctuation work.
Whenever you have time (perhaps during the holidays), borrow them at the AUT Library or at your local library and read them. You'll see that your writing skills will improve.
Hi Yasodhara,
Thank you for your feed back.To be honest, I was doubting a bit about the punctuation because is something that; it has been always dificult for me, even in Spanish. In relation to the grammar.I do not see the spelling mistakes I might have, if you can point them out to me I would appreciate that.
How is Tintin doing in Brazil ?
Hi Rebelde, Your fanfiction was very interesting to read. It was something differnt than what others have been writing about which is good to see for a change.
I have to agree with Yasodhara though, about your grammar and punctuation.
Your writing is very well done but somtimes can be a bit confusing as what you are trying to say to your readers. Some of the words you have used to describe things are wrong. I get the gist of what you mean but there are ways in which you can correct these so your fanficiton flows evenly and the readers understood the messages you are trying to say.
For example. "my emotions were mix after so much time away". I would have said "mixed" not mix in that sentence as it sounds better.
Also "I had a mix of other emtotions in me".
To me this should be "I had a mixture of other emotions inside me". or you could say "I had a mixture of other emotions as well".
These two examples just sound better and makes the reader understand what the man is trying to tell you.
Another example is "If then I would have known what had faith in store for me?Damn!".
To me it should be "If back tehn, I had only known what faith had in store for me?Damn!".
Your sentence was a bit confusing with the choice of words you had used, but the example I hava shown you clearly shows the reader what he is thinking and you can understand it very clearly.
These are just some of the things I pciked up on when reading through your fanfiction story. I hope this helps you to understand what I think needs to be looked at again.
Otherwise, it is a great fanfiction story and cant wait to read the next part!
Hi everyone,
Dear Rebelde, I know quite well how hard it is for you to write in English to native speakers of the language. As our languagues (Portuguese and Spanish) have different grammar structure and usage. To be able to write clearly in English, we have to master not only the English grammar and all the other aspects of the language mentioned before, but above all, we have to THINK the same way English speakers do. And if we fail to do so, our writing will not be understood by them.
I shall give you a couple of examples:
The coolness...when we were approaching York.
(There's no preposition 'to' between approaching and York.)
That night, I decided to sleep on the deck of the boat. So, as soon as I opened my eyes, I had/got the same vision that I had last 35 years ago.
Can you see the difference between what you've written and what you should have written?
I could go on writing a few more examples, but Ashleigh has already written some. Besides, I am still learning and I don't know enough to explain to you everything that needs to be explained. I can only suggest that you take the time and read those books.
I know my writing is not perfect (and I wish it were), but I am going to improve it. As I intend to teach English (either here or in Brazil), I ought to learn it and teach it by the book.
I believe there's only one way to learn, and that is by reading good books. So, let's read as much as we can.
By the way, I haven't finished the Tintin story yet. I must get on with it quickly, as I have to start the last assignment.
Hi Rebelde,
I have just noticed that you spelt the two pupils' names incorrectly.
One is: Ashlee
The other is: Ashleigh
Do you see how the English language is tricky with regard to the spelling. Mind you, there are a few different ways of making the long /i:/ sound.
E.g. feet, meat, me, rainy, key, swede, thief, radio.
Anyway, you'll learn about the English sounds when you take the phonology applied paper. I have some information about the forty-four sounds of the English language, if you want to learn them. The knowledge of all these (44) sounds will improve your spelling as well as your pronunciation.
Remember there are 26 letters in the English alphabet. However, the 26 letters make 44 sounds altogether.
Let me know if you want a copy.
Hi Yasodhara and Ashleigh,
I apprecciate your comments and I will correct the spelling mistakes.I kind of felt that I might have done some mistakes and I did not want to give the text to a native speaker to proof-read it because it was only a draft(as you see that would be easy to improve ;)
I would have liked more comments on the story itself (structure, flow, ,description of setting and characters, is it the plot engaging etc.)I think that is the most challenging part of this task, the creative part.What do you think? Are'n t you struggling with that?
Hi Rebelde,
I'd love to give you feedback with regard to the creative side of your fanfiction story, but I'm not the right person to do so (perhaps one day). I am not a creative type of person; and besides, I don't know much about it anyway. Good luck!
Hi Rebelde,
Do you know what to do to remove the part one of the fanfiction story off the screen, and then replace it with the whole story? I am ready now to post all of it.
I am trying but my poor computer skills are killing me.
Hi Yasodhara,
In order to continue writing your fanfiction you should:
1.Go to the B icon on this page (top left corner)and click on it.
2.Then you get to Dashboard Popular Genres 4
Manage : Post
3.Click on post
4.Then you get an outline of all the fanfiction published.
5.Go to Tintin...and click on edit.
6.Then you can continue writing your fanfiction.
7.When you finish click on Publish Post.
After this, your fanfiction should be published.
Good Luck :P
Hi Rebelde,
Do I have to remove part A first to post part A and B in one go, or do I just post part B alone?
The two parts aren't going to be together. Does that matter, do you think?
Thanks a lot.
Hi again,
Are you going to post just part B or are you going to remove part A and print one whole story?
What are you going to do, Rebelde?
Hi Yasodhara,
That would depend if you are doing lots of changes to your first part.
Im already fixing the "First Part" on the spot because in general Im happy with the story and Im fixing just some grammar and then, I will write "Second Part" as title and I will finish it. I hope to get some comments from all you for this second part and correct anything that needs to be corrected. Finally I will present the whole fanfiction as is required.
Ok ? Good luck.
Thanks my dear for your help.
I shall post the whole fanfiction story shortly.
Bye for now.
Once again sorry for the late reply...:) hehe
Rebelde, I have read your story
and it's kind of different from other ones I have read.
I will not say anything more about the grammers and punctuations-
beacause it has already been discussed by others.
A part from these mystakes, the content of your story is written in detail and also reveals your creative ideas. I like the way how you have used pronouns such as
"I , my, " by using these words,
makes easier for me engage into the story and also able to understand a lot better on the view point of the main character ( author)
It's good overall-
if you finish off the next part
Rebelde,
It is quite interesting that you portrayed Robinson Crusoe as a person that cares for Friday genuinely. Or rather, there's a twist in the end I don't know about?
After all, R.C has always been critique for its eurocentric views. Of course, if this is an attempt to rewrite the story in a different perspective, it will be great.
Looking forward for your next installment.
ps: wow. Pop.genre 4 is full of grammar nazis. I'm scared. *runs away*
Hi Pearl, Thank you for your feed back.Yes, this is an attempt to portrait Robinson Crusoe a little bit different.Im a bit late with my second part but I will publish it before the end of week 16.
I tried to look at your work but I did not get access. Mayb I did not do the right thing.Im a bit of a computer disable.
Stay in touch :P
Rebelde
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