After ten positive pregnancy tests Sheryl says “That’s enough Loretta, your f’’king pregnant, I’m taking you to the doctor”.
“No, I’m not there must be a fault with the tests, I can’t be f**king pregnant” says Loretta.
Loretta and Sheryl sit stunned as the doctor tells them Loretta is nearly five months pregnant and there is no option of abortion, it's too late for that now. After driving home from the doctors Loretta announces to everyone at home that she will be raising the baby on her own and she does not want Hayden to ever know that she is having his baby.
“I always hated that Hayden f**king Peters anyway” grumbled Grandpa.
Pascall who is still moping around the house pining over Bruce screams out saying “I should be having the baby not bloody Loretta”.
“Bruce and I wanted to have lots of kids, we should still be together”.
“Oh come on Pascall, maybe you two weren’t meant to be, you’re going to be an aunty soon” said Sheryl.
“I don’t’ care I have to get him back!” cried Pascall.
“Loretta my car is out of gas, I need you to drive me to see Bruce NOW!, cried Pascall.
“Ha-ha piss off” says Loretta “I’ve got better things to do than run around after you”.
“PLEASE!” moaned Pascall. “I’ll do anything for you, please Loretta please, I’m begging you”.
“Fine, only because I can’t stand you f**king moaning any longer, get in the car I don’t have all day I have to open the Video Hut in half an hour” said Loretta.
Loretta and Pascall got into her car and head towards Bruce’s house bickering at each other as they drive along.
“Go faster Loretta, Bruce starts work soon I can’t f**king miss him” yelled Pascall.
Loretta is now getting frustrated and starts speeding way over the speed limit.
As they approach the last corner before Bruce’s house a logging truck speeds around the corner on their side of the road.
Loretta who is too busy yelling at Pascall to shut up, isn't watching to road as the truck collides straight into them.
Bruce comes upon the horrific scene minutes after it happens. Stopping immediately he dials 111 and is terrified to move any closer as he recognizes that the vehicle is Loretta’s.
Fire-fighters cut unconscious Loretta and Pascall out of the car and rush them to Auckland Hospital in serious conditions.
Sheryl’s cell phone starts ringing while she is having lunch with Wayne at the pub. “Hello, I’m a tad busy can you ring me later” says Sheryl.
“Sheryl its Bruce here, I have some heartbreaking news for you. Loretta and Pascall have been in a serious car accident and are both in critical conditions in Auckland Hospital; you need to go there immediately”.
“What! No your f**king joking me” screamed Sheryl.
“I’m so sorry Sheryl, is there anything I can do?”
“No, I have to go” said Sheryl as she hung up.
“Wayne, f**k the beer we got to go the girls have been in a bloody car accident, ring the boys to meet us at the hospital”.
The West family pace the floors in the waiting room of the hospital. Sheryl starts to storm out for a cigarette but is stopped by a doctor who asks “Are you Sheryl West?”
“Yeah, why, who are you?”
“I was the doctor working on your two daughters, I’m sorry to inform you Mrs. West but we couldn’t’ save you daughter and grand daughter”.
“Oh my God, Loretta and the baby!" screamed Sheryl.
“No sorry it’s Pascall and Loretta's daughter Mrs. West” said the doctor.
“NO”!!!!!! Sheryl screamed as she collapsed to the ground.
The rest of the West family stood their gob smacked as Wayne raced to Sheryl’s side.
"I need to see Pascall right now" screamed Sheryl to the doctor.
"Of course, follow me I will take you to her".
Sheryl and Wayne leave the room with the doctor.
"I'm going to see Loretta" says Van.
Van walks in to find Loretta crying on the bed, "I cant believe it she says, my baby and my sister are gone just like that".
"It's going to be ok Loretta we are all here for you". says Van.
"I had a girl says Loretta and named her Aurora".
Van walks over to Loretta and starts cuddling her with tears pouring down his face "Thanks Loretta that means a lot to me. I Love you aye".
"I love you too" says Loretta crying.
“No, I’m not there must be a fault with the tests, I can’t be f**king pregnant” says Loretta.
Loretta and Sheryl sit stunned as the doctor tells them Loretta is nearly five months pregnant and there is no option of abortion, it's too late for that now. After driving home from the doctors Loretta announces to everyone at home that she will be raising the baby on her own and she does not want Hayden to ever know that she is having his baby.
“I always hated that Hayden f**king Peters anyway” grumbled Grandpa.
Pascall who is still moping around the house pining over Bruce screams out saying “I should be having the baby not bloody Loretta”.
“Bruce and I wanted to have lots of kids, we should still be together”.
“Oh come on Pascall, maybe you two weren’t meant to be, you’re going to be an aunty soon” said Sheryl.
“I don’t’ care I have to get him back!” cried Pascall.
“Loretta my car is out of gas, I need you to drive me to see Bruce NOW!, cried Pascall.
“Ha-ha piss off” says Loretta “I’ve got better things to do than run around after you”.
“PLEASE!” moaned Pascall. “I’ll do anything for you, please Loretta please, I’m begging you”.
“Fine, only because I can’t stand you f**king moaning any longer, get in the car I don’t have all day I have to open the Video Hut in half an hour” said Loretta.
Loretta and Pascall got into her car and head towards Bruce’s house bickering at each other as they drive along.
“Go faster Loretta, Bruce starts work soon I can’t f**king miss him” yelled Pascall.
Loretta is now getting frustrated and starts speeding way over the speed limit.
As they approach the last corner before Bruce’s house a logging truck speeds around the corner on their side of the road.
Loretta who is too busy yelling at Pascall to shut up, isn't watching to road as the truck collides straight into them.
Bruce comes upon the horrific scene minutes after it happens. Stopping immediately he dials 111 and is terrified to move any closer as he recognizes that the vehicle is Loretta’s.
Fire-fighters cut unconscious Loretta and Pascall out of the car and rush them to Auckland Hospital in serious conditions.
Sheryl’s cell phone starts ringing while she is having lunch with Wayne at the pub. “Hello, I’m a tad busy can you ring me later” says Sheryl.
“Sheryl its Bruce here, I have some heartbreaking news for you. Loretta and Pascall have been in a serious car accident and are both in critical conditions in Auckland Hospital; you need to go there immediately”.
“What! No your f**king joking me” screamed Sheryl.
“I’m so sorry Sheryl, is there anything I can do?”
“No, I have to go” said Sheryl as she hung up.
“Wayne, f**k the beer we got to go the girls have been in a bloody car accident, ring the boys to meet us at the hospital”.
The West family pace the floors in the waiting room of the hospital. Sheryl starts to storm out for a cigarette but is stopped by a doctor who asks “Are you Sheryl West?”
“Yeah, why, who are you?”
“I was the doctor working on your two daughters, I’m sorry to inform you Mrs. West but we couldn’t’ save you daughter and grand daughter”.
“Oh my God, Loretta and the baby!" screamed Sheryl.
“No sorry it’s Pascall and Loretta's daughter Mrs. West” said the doctor.
“NO”!!!!!! Sheryl screamed as she collapsed to the ground.
The rest of the West family stood their gob smacked as Wayne raced to Sheryl’s side.
"I need to see Pascall right now" screamed Sheryl to the doctor.
"Of course, follow me I will take you to her".
Sheryl and Wayne leave the room with the doctor.
"I'm going to see Loretta" says Van.
Van walks in to find Loretta crying on the bed, "I cant believe it she says, my baby and my sister are gone just like that".
"It's going to be ok Loretta we are all here for you". says Van.
"I had a girl says Loretta and named her Aurora".
Van walks over to Loretta and starts cuddling her with tears pouring down his face "Thanks Loretta that means a lot to me. I Love you aye".
"I love you too" says Loretta crying.
11 comments:
Hey guys this is my Part B fanfiction..Give me some feedback on it so I can correct it. I've corrected Part A so after Part B has been done I will upload my final fanfiction!!
In relation to what Rebelde said about my fanficiton. I was wanting my fanfiction to be written so you could imagine the characters and what is happening. Because Outrageous Fortunes is a T.V programme it is easier to weite it like a script or screen play because this is how the producers would write scenes for the tv show. I feel this method has worked well for that genre I chose. It was also easier for me to write my fanfiction being able to imagine things as I wrote it and I also feel there is enough going on throughout my writing for two scenes. I didn't want to add to much or it would become confusing and people wouldnt be able to imagine things if it was too cluttered etc.
Hi Ashleigh,
This second part of the fanfiction story is better than the first one.
However, it can be even better. It all depends on you, Ashleigh.
Your punctuation, grammar and spelling still need improvement.
Try to separate the characters' speech lines a little bit.
Ashleigh, my comment is on form not on content. I know you can write a story. I just think you should focus on form for a little while.
As I've said to you before, regardless of the genre - the story has to be well written.
E.g., my Tintin story is not the genre that you like (the content), but you said it is good.
Do you see what I mean?
It's all about writing correctly, conforming to writing standards.
I know it takes time(I'm working on my grammar as well), that's why I suggested the English grammar and punctuation books to the students in our group; we all need them.
ok thanks. What things do I need to look at with my punctuation and grammar if you dont mind me asking?
Asleigh :)
I am going to give you some more in-depth feedbacks.
I think your story is very interesting, definately provides a sense of excitment and tension as I read along.
However, I think you are using too much informal words such as swearing words.."F***" I am aware of the fact that using these words is not a problem but as a reader myself feel uneasy and disturbed.
I don't know if its only me feeling this way....
For your request of correction in specific , you have used the word "cry" too much.
-----------------------------------
eg: I don’t’ care I have to get him back!” (cried Pascall)
“Loretta my car is out of gas, I need you to drive me to see Bruce NOW!, (cried Pascall)
-----------------------------------
The word. CRY- To me, it's too basic and simple word. Sometimes, Using these kind of words are effective in writing a story but I think your story would be improved if you try to use more descritive verbs. The quality of the story depends on how much the words impacts on the readers' mind :)
(Cry)-) weep, sob, blubber, whimper, shed tears, .........etc
Thanks for reading my suggestion-
Hi Ashleigh,
First of all, after reading your answer to my feedback I realize that your intention is to portrait only a few scenes of the Outrageous Fortune serie.By concentrating in only a few scenes, it is possible to create a serie of events,a suitable ambience and describe credibly how these events develop.After reading both parts of your fanfiction, I think you have done a good job and I agree with Seng Hee that you have achieved some level of tension and excitement in this second part.I disagree with the justification mentioned during the feedback given earlier for your first part of your writing that justify some of the mispelling to reflect the social level of the characters.Maybe, some of the words and expresion can reflect that (eg. swearing), but not misspellings which are resposability of the writer.I think you are good at picturing the right frames that make the story to flow smoothly.
I also agree with Yasodhara that the second part is better than the first one, maybe helped by the climax of the car accident. Also,I could figure out through your writing (implicit or explicit)who was who in this story with the exception of Wayne.Who is Wayne ?However, this observation is from the perspective of someone who do not follow this serie.Your scriptwriting style is appropiate for this genre and makes the story easy to follow.I think in general you have done some good writing.
Thanks for your feedback Seung Hee. First I think you should watch the show "Outrageous Fortunes" on TV 3, tonight (Tuesday) at 9.30pm because if you watch it you will understand why I have so many swear words used in my fan-fiction. Without using all these swear words I wouldn't be writing Outrageous Fortunes properly as that is the way they talk, so I am only doing the same.
Do you get what I mean??
As to the feedback about using the word cried too much I will look at that and correct as much as I can when I post my final fan-ficiton up. Thanks a lot for your feedback.
Rebelde, Wayne is Sheryl's partner. Because I only had 1200 words to write with I couldn't really include all the characters from the show as there are more that I haven't included either. Thanks for your feedback though, I feel I have done a good job of showing a picture to the readers of what would be happening if you were watching my scenes on TV. I have also been correcting my Part A fanfiction from your guys feedback that wil be uploaded after Part B has been corrected from your guys feedback also.
Hi Ashleigh,
As you have asked, I shall re-write a few lines of your fanfiction story.
After ten positive pregnancy tests, Sheryl says "that's enough Loretta, you're f... pregnant! I'm taking you to the doctor's."
"No, I'm not. There must be a fault with the tests, I can't be f... pregnant," says Loretta.
Loretta and Sheryl sit stunned as the doctor tells them that Loretta is nearly five months pregnant, and there is no option of abortion; It's too late for that now. After driving home from the doctor's, Loretta announces to everyone at home that she will be raising the baby on her own, and she does not want Hayden to ever know that she is having his baby.
"I always hated that Hayden f... Peters anyway, grumbled Grandpa."
This is the way I would have written the story if it were mine.
Can you see the difference, Ashleigh?
Remember that the clauses within the sentences have to be separated by punctuation. Otherwise it becomes very difficult to read.
Good luck!
Sorry, after a semicolon we should always write in lower case. That is, '...abortion; it's too...'. My error.
Hey I thought it was good. Well writen. Just a few grammar problems but Yasodhara has pointed them out to you. It was a really sad ending :( and not expected which is always good! The language is perfect if you ask me, fits in nicely to the style of the show.
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