Craig gazed at the sunset and basked in his own self-pity. In his hand, lays a single white frosted bakery cupcake crowned by a single small candle. Only the solitary marker and the cup cake had celebrated his birthday.
This really irked him. Everyone else have their own birthdays. Even his younger brothers had rather garish affairs. What did he get for his birthday? Absolutely nothing, not even a single utterance of “Happy Birthaday, Craig” Just because he was a foster child, doesn’t mean that his family should treat him like rubbish.
Did his FAMILY care about him? That was the question, and in his mind all signs pointed to no. They couldn’t give a damn about him, or what he felt.
He was a tough boy, but only a human, never a moment’s happiness, no matter how he tried to gain some respect and warm welcoming from his family, all he received was a rebellion. He surely wanted to escape and live on his own, but they were his only family. That is what made it just that much more pathetic. With family like his, you’d rather have enemies.
With a sigh, he encourages himself with the hope of a brighter tomorrow where his life might suddenly be transformed into a peace and a joy. Unfortunately, this is just an imagination, not a thing to happen……and his was slowly waning.
“Oh, fuck it” grumbled the disgruntled youth as he cast way the cupcake. With an instant sentiment for a drink, headed off to a pub.
The youth slowly slipped though the door of the pub and peeped inside at the interior. Someone might have put huge efforts to make this place look like an American style tavern.
“Time to get smashed” He murmured to himself.
He walked over to the bar and sat down, “Hey, Gimme something strong!!”
The barkeep, with a charismatic glance, low down his voice towards Seung.
“You look too old to be in here, Kid”
“I am 19” mumbled Seung.
“Well, then come back next year when you become 20” The old barkeep firmly stated.
With a scowl on his face, Seung started back outside, pushing his way through the crowded bar. He never got a break.
Buffy sighed herself as she gazed across the bar of Jack’s, her personal haunt.
This place has become her regular pub where she drinks away her pain ever since the day her lover, Angel got killed by the VAMPIRE gang. (what do you guys think about putting in "vampire" ?"
This really irked him. Everyone else have their own birthdays. Even his younger brothers had rather garish affairs. What did he get for his birthday? Absolutely nothing, not even a single utterance of “Happy Birthaday, Craig” Just because he was a foster child, doesn’t mean that his family should treat him like rubbish.
Did his FAMILY care about him? That was the question, and in his mind all signs pointed to no. They couldn’t give a damn about him, or what he felt.
He was a tough boy, but only a human, never a moment’s happiness, no matter how he tried to gain some respect and warm welcoming from his family, all he received was a rebellion. He surely wanted to escape and live on his own, but they were his only family. That is what made it just that much more pathetic. With family like his, you’d rather have enemies.
With a sigh, he encourages himself with the hope of a brighter tomorrow where his life might suddenly be transformed into a peace and a joy. Unfortunately, this is just an imagination, not a thing to happen……and his was slowly waning.
“Oh, fuck it” grumbled the disgruntled youth as he cast way the cupcake. With an instant sentiment for a drink, headed off to a pub.
The youth slowly slipped though the door of the pub and peeped inside at the interior. Someone might have put huge efforts to make this place look like an American style tavern.
“Time to get smashed” He murmured to himself.
He walked over to the bar and sat down, “Hey, Gimme something strong!!”
The barkeep, with a charismatic glance, low down his voice towards Seung.
“You look too old to be in here, Kid”
“I am 19” mumbled Seung.
“Well, then come back next year when you become 20” The old barkeep firmly stated.
With a scowl on his face, Seung started back outside, pushing his way through the crowded bar. He never got a break.
Buffy sighed herself as she gazed across the bar of Jack’s, her personal haunt.
This place has become her regular pub where she drinks away her pain ever since the day her lover, Angel got killed by the VAMPIRE gang. (what do you guys think about putting in "vampire" ?"
Buffy headed to this bar to relieve her indescribable pain, with a slight expectation of meeting up with someone special for the night. So that for a moment, she could have a connection with another human being.
She felt all alone ever since Angel had gone.
Buffy was thrown out of her emotional monologue by a sharp impact as some one knocked into her shoulder. The impact upset the balance of her barstool, and sent her flying backwards.
She opened her weary eyes wide, and looked directly into a gorgeous pair of gray-blue orbs. Eyes which mirrored her own suffering.
“Err…I am sorry, I didn’t mean to knock you over,” muttered the young man who owned the eyes, as he helped Buffy back to her feet.
Buffy blushed.
She knew that there was something about this young men which deliberately made her feel in need to stop him from going away.
She grabbed him tight.
“Wait a second; I would like to offer you a drink”
“…I just got kicked out because I am not legally under the age of drinking”
Buffy shrugged; sat back down and pulled Craig onto the stool next to her “Let me handle it” she turned to her barkeeper and said “Hey, Jack! Two shots of whisky. One for me, and one for my friend here!”
The old keeper shot Buffy a sour look. “Buff, you know that I can’t serve…….”
In a sarcastic tone, Buffy said “Just give me the damn drink would ya?”
“Don’t forget that you are responsible for this consequences” moaned the old bartender.
As soon the drink was served, Buffy poured the alcohol to Craig.
She felt all alone ever since Angel had gone.
Buffy was thrown out of her emotional monologue by a sharp impact as some one knocked into her shoulder. The impact upset the balance of her barstool, and sent her flying backwards.
She opened her weary eyes wide, and looked directly into a gorgeous pair of gray-blue orbs. Eyes which mirrored her own suffering.
“Err…I am sorry, I didn’t mean to knock you over,” muttered the young man who owned the eyes, as he helped Buffy back to her feet.
Buffy blushed.
She knew that there was something about this young men which deliberately made her feel in need to stop him from going away.
She grabbed him tight.
“Wait a second; I would like to offer you a drink”
“…I just got kicked out because I am not legally under the age of drinking”
Buffy shrugged; sat back down and pulled Craig onto the stool next to her “Let me handle it” she turned to her barkeeper and said “Hey, Jack! Two shots of whisky. One for me, and one for my friend here!”
The old keeper shot Buffy a sour look. “Buff, you know that I can’t serve…….”
In a sarcastic tone, Buffy said “Just give me the damn drink would ya?”
“Don’t forget that you are responsible for this consequences” moaned the old bartender.
As soon the drink was served, Buffy poured the alcohol to Craig.
“Drink up!!! My friend” said Buffy in an overwhelming tone of excitement.
“What’s your name anyway?” asked Craig to break away from an awkward mood.
“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Buffy, yours?”
“Craig ” replied the young man
With a bewildered look, Craig asked “Are you alright? if you don’t mind of me asking…” For some strange reason, he wanted to build a relationship with this pretty girl who conceals her secrets of grief within herself.
“What’s your name anyway?” asked Craig to break away from an awkward mood.
“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Buffy, yours?”
“Craig ” replied the young man
With a bewildered look, Craig asked “Are you alright? if you don’t mind of me asking…” For some strange reason, he wanted to build a relationship with this pretty girl who conceals her secrets of grief within herself.
8 comments:
Hello :)
I have inserted my draft copy of the fan-fiction.
I will be very please if you have read through all this and give me feedbacks as much as you can. plese do correct me if there is something that needs to be changed!
Hey just read your fanficiton. It was good a few grammar errors you need to look over as it made it confusing in some sentences. Are you basing your fanfiction along Buffy??If was a bit confusing starting with the orphan boy, just a suggestion that if you are using Buffy as your topic then you might want to introduce her at the start of your fanfiction so people know what you are writing about. As at first I was a bit confused when I was reading about a orphan boys life and then Buffy was thrown into the story. Do you get what I mean??Otherwise I think your fanfiction is good!!
Hi Seung Hee,
I have to agree with Ashleigh.
Is the story about an orphan boy or Buffy? Or both?
I do not understand the picture either. What does it mean?
Once again I have to mention the form in which the fanfiction story is written.
Regardless of the genre the writer chooses to write about, the readers have to be able to read it clearly.
I suggest you use a dictionary, a thesaurus, an English grammar book, an English usage book and do not forget to edit your writing before you post it.
If you use the tools above, I can assure you that your writing ability will improve; and it will be much easier for the readers to grasp it.
Thanks for all your opinions~:)
The main characters in this story are Craig and Buffy *^^*
However, I have based my fan-fiction mostly on my personal ideas..Buffy is only introduced as a character, This doeas't mean that the content of the story relates to the the original story line of Buffy's fan-fiction.
* Please be aware that the story is not based on "Buffy and the vampires"
Asleigh L: Thanks for reminding me with the grammar errors, if possible- can you indicate specifically where I have made an error? :)
Yasodhara: The Picture, sorry for choosing the difficult one.
The picture shown reveals the boy "Craig" and the girl "Buffy"
with their face covered.
The white cloth which covers the faces of these two, symbolises the meaning of "Grief and sorrow" that they struggle with in their life.
The fact how their personal problems COVER their whole life making them to be outcasted from the real happiness. DO you know see the point of the picture?...
Ok well I feel that the picture doesn't really relate with the story, maybe if you added a picture of Buffy and a photo of who you think Craig is it might be easier for the readers to imagine the story with the characters faces.
I think you need to revise over your whole fanfiction, but I have given some examples where you can correct and hopefully it will show you what else you need to look at.
"Only the solitary marker and the cup cake had celebrated his birthday". I feel you dont need the THE after cup cake, it is fine without it, makes more sense that way.
Also there is a spelling mistake you don't spell Birthday as Birthaday. The correct way to spell it is Birthday.
"He was a tough boy, but only a human, never a moments hapiness, no matter how he tried to gain some respect and warm welcoming from hsi family, all he recieved was a rebellion". This sentence is way too long you need to shorten it down so we can understand it more, it seems like you are repeating what you are saying a bit. Also what do you mean "all he recieved was a rebellion"? I don't get this!
Also "This is what made it just that more pathetic".
It should be "This is what made it even more pathetic. Can you see that this makes more sense and you can understand it easier than what you have said?
"Transformed into a peace and a joy". You don't need the A after and it makes sense without it.
'Cast way the cupcake". I don't think this makes sence, what do you mean by this?
Also the Bartender says that Craig is to old to be in there (the bar) and to come back when he is 20. But he is only 19 meaning he is to young to be in the bar. You need to look at that again as it is very confuysing for the readers and i don't get what you mean!
Also your story kind of goes between the past and present tense. You need to chose which context it is in and stick with it, like me I had trouble doing this but got it in the end.
Hi Seung Hee,
After I read your fanfiction, I did not felt the sort of confusion that Ashleigh and Yasodhara experienced.I must say however, that I read the comments and your explanation of the story ,before I started to read your writing. Probably, that helped me to understand your narration and your message.Anyway, you should check this draft because there are some innacuracies in the story and mispellings.
The phrase- That is what made it just that much more pathetic-sounds a bit odd to me.
You wrote:...and looked directly into a gorgeous pair of GRAY (I think you mean GREY)blue orb.Eyes which mirrored her own suffering.
I think after orbs you should put a comma rather than a full stop and continue with what you wrote.
You wrote:where his life might suddenly be transformed into A peace and A joy.
I do not think you need the indefinite article A in both cases.
You wrote :unfortunately this is just an imagination not a thing to happen and his was slowly waning.
I would suggest:this is just his imagination nothing happened.
Someone might have put huge efforts to make this place to look like an american style tavern.
I would suggest: a far west tavern style.
What do you mean by saying;
With a scowl on his face, Seung started back outside ?
You wrote: Don't forget that you are responsible for this consequences.
I suggest:don't forget that you are responsible for the consequences.
You wrote:As soon the drink was served, buffy poured the alcohol to Craig.
I would suggest: as soon AS the drink was SERVED, Buffy POURED the alcohol to Craig.
Here,I have an observation How is it possible to order two SHOTS of whisky then, the drinks were SERVED and finally Buffy POURED the alcohol to Craig ?
I really think that these observations will improved your writing which in general is quite good.Finally, I have a question for you Seung, Is this only Part A or the whole fanfiction ?;)
Thanks for all your feedbacks!!
I will try my best to fix these problems~~~:)
Oh! Rebedel, I assume that this is just part (A), unfinished- still more to go~~~
Okay then~ everyone I am gonna go and wirte more now~
I agree with the others, it was kind of confusing. But if you just change it round a bit im sure it will be a really good story. Maybe add more to the ending or something. And i felt the picture wasnt really relevant to your story.
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